Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
