dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
