WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it was like eating out sand paper
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
