I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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