Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize