i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
