found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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