Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
