if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have aggressive nipples.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
