I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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