so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
