Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
