I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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