Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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