Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
