i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
