I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
