Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
