chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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