I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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