I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
