My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I need a beard to bite.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
