Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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