You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
