Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize