so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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