So drunk its hurt
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
