So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
