Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
