We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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