Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
