all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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