you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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