As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
