So drunk its hurt
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
