dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
