How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
