woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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