Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
