Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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