How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
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