I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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