I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
