and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
