this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
