i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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