brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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