while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
