So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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