I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
