i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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