i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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