I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
All the doctor said was why
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize