I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
