The maid of honor just puked.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
