So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
