Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
