i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
