Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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