sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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