Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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