Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
